Benjamin Houser Protection Services

Newly minted Green Belt Ben Houser is accepting new clients as he offers his personal protection services to the public.

Specialties include:

- board break

- roundhouse kick

- elbow strike

- triple punch

- hammer fist

Actual protection shall take the form of blocking kicks and punches, as well as performing jumping jacks, crunches, and pushups. Also, the basic forms for staff and nunchuk can be demonstrated upon request.

Our pledge to you is that we will always adhere to the following credes:

Student creed #1: I will develop myself in a positive manner, and avoid anything that will reduce my mental growth and physical health.

Student creed #2: I will use common sense before self-defense and never be abusive or offensive.

More about us:

- Belts achieved include white, yellow, orange, orange stripe, and green.

- Don't try to show me how to improve my technique! I already know how to do it!

- I only like sparring when my opponent is a little bigger than me, not a lot bigger.

- When I'm done, I like to have Gatorade. It has to be Gatorade, not water.

Contact us today for a FREE consultation!

We Will accept payment in the form of milkshakes from Nifty Fifties.

The Despondent Goalkeeper

Hawks goalkeeper Ben announced his retirement from the 6-and-under Ridley United spring soccer league today, also stating that he would no longer participate in any other sports leagues ever, and might even refrain from any and all future physical activity. The announcement came shortly after today’s game in which Ben let in two goals, leading to a tough 2-0 loss to the Devils.

Asked whether he’d feel better if had a juice box, Ben responded before the question was even finished with an emphatic "Noooooo!"

With the loss today, the Hawks drop to 0-2 on the season, having lost a 1-0 heartbreaker to the Mustangs last week.

Next Sunday, the Hawks try to get into the win column as they play the Phantoms at the Edgewood Elementary field at 4PM. (Good seats are still available.)

After being persuaded to partake in a post-game granola bar, Ben was presented with the possibility of coming out of retirement next week to play goalie again for the Hawks.

"Maybe" was the reply.

Couch Potato Prevention

With soccer now over, it's time for Team Houserspawn to take up another sport.

For the next three months, Saturday mornings will be about coaxing three reluctant kids into the van and taking them to the local community center to learn how to play basketball.

Soccer Wrap-Up

Zach and Phoebe's Red Team split the last two games of their season over the weekend, losing to the Green Team 2-1 on Saturday and beating the Yellow Team 2-1 on Sunday.

Phoebe finishes the season with a few nice defensive stops, a better understanding of the game, and a profound feeling of relief that we will no longer be dragging her over to the soccer field on Saturday mornings.

Zach finishes the season with three goals, some renewed confidence in his athletic abilities, and although he would deny it, some small amount of enthusiasm for soccer that comes from being an active player on a winning team.

Ben liked the fact that his friend Asher was on his soccer team, but overall, he's pretty glad that the season's over.

So what's next for team Houserspawn(tm)? This is a good question, and a bit of a dilemma for us.

Given a choice, the kids would prefer to stay home, read books, play dress-up, do crafts, and play video games. But Linda and I agree that they need to be involved in some sort of team sport or activity during the fall and winter months.

The neighborhood league where they played soccer also sponsors basketball and bowling, so these are likely possibilities. We might also look into karate at the local Y. Frankly, I'm fine with anything that doesn't involve having the kids sitting at home all winter.