The Comedian

A couple of months ago, Phoebe and I started rehearsing an act for the CBC talent show. It was an old Sesame Street skit where Prairie Dawn (the little girl muppet) sings a song which describes words that begin with the letter Q while Grover (the perpetually befuddled blue monster muppet) makes silly, incorrect guesses, eventually exasperating Prairie Dawn.

Phoebe was just adorable during these practice sessions, the song was funny, and the whole thing seemed like it was going to be a slam dunk.

That is, until about two weeks ago, when Phoebe decided that she no longer wanted to sing the song, and no amount of coaxing was going to change her mind.

We still had a time slot reserved, so I started scrambling for a new idea. But Phoebe shot down every idea I came up with. Finally, with only a few days left until showtime, she agreed to tell some jokes.

So last weekend, I served as Phoebe’s straight man in a comedy routine which showcased gags like:

Patient: Doctor, doctor! My husband thinks he's a chicken!
Doctor: How long has this been going on?
Patient: For about five years.
Doctor: Five years? Why haven't you come to see me sooner?
Patient: Because we needed the eggs.

But the most inspired thing about the act was this: after each joke, Zach (sitting just offstage) played the vaudeville-like reaction noise on his trombone. WAAHHH-waahh!

Ben even got in on the action with a few gags of his own.

But Phoebe – well, she got such a great crowd reaction and so many compliments afterward that now, she has the comedy bug in a big way. She recites her jokes every chance she gets, and she’s already talking about what she wants to do at the next talent show. I think I can probably just forget about the cutesy little-girl stuff. We have a stand-up comedian on our hands.

Caution: This Post Contains Language Which May Be Unsuitable for Younger Readers

Occasionally, the topic of profanity comes up with the kids. Zach recently asked whether the word "ass" is a "bad word". My response to this is that there are no such things as "bad words", but there are words and phrases that you can say that might upset others, and make people think you are rude or lazy or unimaginative, so it's best to avoid saying such things.

Linda was prompted to expand on this conversation yesterday when Phoebe asked Linda "What's the F-word?"

Apparently, one of the neighborhood kids told Phoebe that "if you say the F-word, your teeth will turn black and fall out." After disabusing her of this notion, the profanity discussion resumed.

Now, before going any further, I feel like I should lay down some ground rules for the rest of the post. Although I don't often use the word in question, I don't have strong objections to it, either. I understand that some readers of the Houserspawn(tm) blog do have these objections, however, and so for that reason, I'm going to take my own advice, exercise some self-censorship, and not actually put those four letters next to each other here on the blog. After all, this is a fine, family-oriented operation we're running here. And who knows what kinds of hits we'd get from regrettable Google searches.

Given the subject matter, I am going to need to employ some kind of linguistic device to show when I do, in fact, mean that word.

So what are my options? I think it looks kinda silly when the word "BEEP" is used in print to indicate an objectionable word being censored. It also diminishes the impact of the censored word down to pretty much nothing. Same goes for the cartoonish method of replacing the offending word with various symbols, as in "@&$#*!" I also don't care for the method of starring out all but the first and last letter of a word (e.g. "f**K"), or the clumsy substitution of letters with look-alike characters (e.g. "a$$"). So I'm going to take a page from the Battlestar Galactica playbook here and use the work "frak" as a substitute for the dreaded "F-Word".

Back to our story: After giving Phoebe the requisite warnings about using language that people might find distasteful, Linda gave her what she was asking for. She told her what the "F-word" is, gave her an age-appropriate definition, and told her how people commonly use it.

The example Linda provided was "I hate my frakking homework", or alternately, "Frak my homework!" Phoebe tried saying these examples a few times… and seemed to enjoy doing so maybe a little more than Linda expected.

The conversation was wrapped up with one more reminder that "frak" is a word that we expect her to refrain from using in everyday conversation, making it clear that we don't want to hear it at home, and it will get her into trouble if she uses it at school or around her friends.

Phoebe suggested that instead, maybe she could use the opposite of "frak", which, she deduced, would have to be "un-frak". Linda assured her that no, "un-frak" would not be an acceptable alternative.

I'm sure this discussion will come up again, and while it's not always the most comfortable thing to talk about with young kids, I think we've set the right tone. Put another way, when it comes to teaching our kids about appropriate behavior – including what profanity is, what it means, and how it's used – well, we’re doing the best frakking job we can.

The Interrogation Begins...

Today was Central Baptist Church's first day with a new pastor. Phoebe and Ben made sure to orient him to the perils of a CBC Children's Conversation.

When he asked what questions the kids had about him, Phoebe began with "Are you funny?" She later asked if he "has a best friend?"

Ben's question: "Do you believe in American Idol?"

Phoebe's Building Company

Phoebe's Building Company is now taking orders for new construction of residential and professional buildings. We'll work with you every step of the way to ensure that your new home or office facility meets your specifications, but we get to pick out what kind to build. Don't worry, we know what we're doing.

Your new building is guaranteed to be colorful, have doors and windows that actually open and close, and have a roof that comes off so that you can see inside.

Many buildings come with a complimentary spaceship.

More about us:

- We specialize in buildings for people standing no more than 1-1/2" high, and we work primarily with Lego blocks

- We can use the instructions, or we can just make up our own house

- If we get tired of building, it's ok. We'll come back and finish it later

- We can do it ourselves -- we don't need any help!

- If you are one of my brothers, NO YOU MAY NOT USE MY PIECES! I need them to finish my house!

Contact us today for a free consulatation with our Chief Architect and Master Builder!

President Phoebe

On President's day, Phoebe's project at school was to illustrate what she would do if she were President.

She drew this outstanding picture of President Phoebe brokering peace between two soldiers (with the obligatory silhouettes of floating, disembodied Washington and Lincoln heads looking on).

The text below the picture reads "If I were President, I would stop wars."

She has my vote.

Daisy Scouts

Last week, Phoebe participated in a Daisy Scout Investiture Ceremony. I'm not sure how much I am at liberty to reveal, but the proceedings were not unlike how I picture a Skull and Bones induction. Only with more singing.

I don't want to put myself at risk of retribution by divulging too much information, but here were some of the highlights of the ritual:

The girls started with a song about meeting new friends:

Make new friends / Keep the old
One is silver / And the other gold

Next came the Girl Scout Pledge (accompanied by the secret Girl Scout Hand Signal).

Then, things got serious.

Each new recruit was led out onto the stage with a handmade, paper daisy in front of her face. The Scout leader held an (empty) watering can over the girl's head, and recited this incantation:

Sprinkle with honesty, friendship, and care
Sprinkle (girl's name) with all
that is fair
Raise your voices as we shout
And up comes a new...
(shouted) DAISY! GIRL! SCOUT!

At this, the girl dropped the paper daisy away from her face, and hopped into the air, as if being sprouted anew as a Daisy Scout.

Once all of the new Daisies were sprouted, there was a closing ceremony where another song was sung, and then it was juice boxes and baked goods for everyone.

Aside from wearing the sharp uniform and attending the secret meetings, I'm not entirely clear what rights and privileges a DAISY! GIRL! SCOUT! enjoys. (Issue parking tickets? Conduct searches without a warrant? Make citizens arrests?)

But in any case, it is somehow comforting to know that Team Houserspawn(tm) has connections to at least one other secret society in the neighborhood.

Halloween Parade II

Phoebe took on two separate identities on Halloween. She wanted to go trick-or-treating as a Pokémon trainer like Zach. But for her school Halloween parade, she dressed up as Tinkerbell.

This allowed her class to meet the federal requirement that states that at least 75% of the girls in any given kindergarden class must be dressed as Disney Princesses.

Field Trip

Phoebe and friend on a class trip to a local farm last week.

Phoebe's Favorite Things

Phoebe made this project in school last week. It represents her favorite sport, the thing that is most important to her, her favorite book, and her favorite food.

(The poster reads "Soccer", "My Family", "Fairy Realm", and "bacon".)

Three things to note: First, as much as we love Phoebe's kindergarten teacher, we're not sure what to do about the fact that she regularly misspells Phoebe's name, transposing the "o" and the "e".

Second, Phoebe wasn't nearly as amused as I was when I asked whether her favorite sport was really bacon.

Third, when I told Phoebe I would put her picture up on our blog, her response was "Ewww, that sounds disgusting!"

Sunday Soccer Highlights

(My apologies for yet another soccer post. I'm increasingly aware that I'm becoming an insufferable Soccer Dad).

Zach and Phoebe's Red Team played the Black Team to a 1-1 draw in their game today.

Phoebe's game continues to improve -- she got more playing time than usual today, and she kept after the ball the entire time she was on the field. She even tried to muscle in front of a much bigger kid while jockeying for position on a throw-in. That's my girl.

Zach's scoring streak extended to three games, as he scored the only Red Team goal. He actually created several scoring chances for himself by working hard, being steadfast in pursuing the play, and playing with a measure of reckless abandon. It is so satisfying to see him have some success this year. I'm proud of my boy.

On the other hand, I'm on the hook for another milkshake, thanks to Zach's goal.

Further evidence that I am becoming an insufferable Soccer Dad:

First, "Soccer" now the most 4th most frequently used label on the Houserspawn(tm) blog, after "Phoebe", "Ben", and "Zach".

Second, I turned down Linda's offer to let me catch the kickoff of the Eagles game this afternoon in order to watch Zach and Phoebe's soccer team play. Frankly, I'm enjoying Red Team soccer more than Eagles football these days.

Houserspawn(tm) Classic - September 2003

Zach and Phoebe lounging out on the front lawn on a sunny September day in 2003.

Phoebe's Birthday Bash

Our house was full of Phoebe's friends today as we threw her a Fairy Realm-themed birthday party.

Loosely following the storyline in the Fairy Realm book series, each of the guests had to steal an enchanted bracelet from the evil Valda, thus enabling them to find magical wish stones, paint butterflies, transport griffin eggs on a spoon, play pin-the-horn-on-the-Unicorn, and eat bubble-gum flavored ice-cream cake.

Various and sundry gifts were given and received, including roller skates, several dolls, new pajamas, a Webkinz pet, and a bunch of other stuff that I didn't really pay attention to, as it was mostly pink and frilly and princess and/or fairy-oriented. Pictured to the left: a dress-up princess gown which Phoebe changed into almost immediately after unwrapping and wore for the rest of the day.

Special thanks goes out to Aunt Melissa for the outstanding homemade birthday card featuring this (somewhat terrifying) photoshopped image of Phoebe as a Disney Princess.

Party Preparations

In preparation for today's party, Phoebe decorated her own birthday cake -- which was (by Phoebe's specific request) made with only the finest bubble-gum-flavored ice cream known to humanity.

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this was quite possibly the most obscenely decadent birthday cake ever.

Six

Today is Phoebe's sixth birthday.

This morning, I asked her if she thinks anything will be different now that she's six.

She thought for a moment and replied:

"I'll get to stay up later. I'll get to watch more television. And I'll get to have a birthday party."

Well, she's right about the last one at least.

The Interrogation

Ben started back to preschool today. Phoebe was particularly interested in Ben's school activites, as Ben is in the same preschool classroom Phoebe was in last year.

On our way home, Phoebe told him "Ben, I have a lot of questions for you", then proceeded to grill him for the next five minutes. Here is their conversation, more or less verbatim:

Phoebe: "Did you have a good day?"
Ben: "Yes."
Phoebe: "Are your teachers nice?"
Ben: "Yes."
Phoebe: "Was it anyone's birthday?"
Ben: "No."
Phoebe: "What did you have for snack?"
Ben: "Pretzels."
Phoebe: "Did you make any new friends?"
Ben: "Yes."
Phoebe: "What were their names?"
Ben: "I don't remember."
Phoebe: "Did you make a project?"
Ben: "What, are you kidding? Of course I did!" (holds up drawing)
Phoebe: "Do you know your teachers names?"
Ben: "Only one - Miss Micki."
Phoebe: "Miss Micki and Miss Lisa. I know because I was in your class last year."

The cross-examination was finished by the time we got home. I have to hand it to her, Phoebe got about as much information out of Ben than I've ever been able to get out of any of the kids when asking about school.

Rookie of the Year

Having been promoted to the local single-A elementary school, Phoebe will begin her public school rookie season today.

According to the 2007 Houserspawn(tm) Press Guide, Phoebe will be the opening day starter for Team Houserspawn(tm). Our scouts tell us that she has all of the tools necessray to be successful at the next level, and we project that she will put up solid numbers.

Phoebe has had an impressive start to her minor-league scholastic career, and even did some additional off-season workouts over the summer, practicing her reading with Daddy and learning to write a handful of words.

We look for Phoebe to continue to improve all aspects of her game this season, and to be promoted first grade by this time next year.

Comedy is Not Pretty

Phoebe had some jokes for me when I got home from work today:

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
Because she always ran away from the ball.

Did you hear about the dancing sheep?
She's a baaaa-lerina.

What's a cat's favorite color?
Purrr-ple.

The Tooth Fairy Conundrum

Phoebe has recently renounced her belief in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.

As for the question of who then puts presents under trees, candy in baskets, and money under pillows, she has identified "Mommies and Daddies" as the prime suspects.

Inconveniently, she lost another of her front teeth yesterday.

With a visit from the tooth fairy on the line, we'll see how this crisis of faith plays out.

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

(untitled)

by Phoebe

Once some trolls lived under a bridge.

One day, a bad guy fell in love with a good guy. And everytime the ruler of bad guys told them to get away from the good guy, they danced and kissed. And the bad guy just went crazy.

And then he fainted.

And anyway the trolls were babies.

And they stayed with each other all the night. So the next day they married. While the bad guy just sat in jail.

(to be continued?)

The Adventures of Adventure Girl

Out of our three kids, Phoebe is easily the most fearless when it comes to amusement rides, as demonstrated by her willingness to ride anything during our amusement park visits this summer, including last week's visits to Dutch Wonderland and Knoebels Grove.

Roller coasters? Check. Log flumes? Check. Waterslides that expel the rider 10 feet over the deep end of the swimming pool? Check.

Unfortunately, at 47" tall, Phoebe just misses out on the 48" minimum height for some of the more ambitious rides.

Just wait 'til next year...