Benjamin Houser Protection Services

Newly minted Green Belt Ben Houser is accepting new clients as he offers his personal protection services to the public.

Specialties include:

- board break

- roundhouse kick

- elbow strike

- triple punch

- hammer fist

Actual protection shall take the form of blocking kicks and punches, as well as performing jumping jacks, crunches, and pushups. Also, the basic forms for staff and nunchuk can be demonstrated upon request.

Our pledge to you is that we will always adhere to the following credes:

Student creed #1: I will develop myself in a positive manner, and avoid anything that will reduce my mental growth and physical health.

Student creed #2: I will use common sense before self-defense and never be abusive or offensive.

More about us:

- Belts achieved include white, yellow, orange, orange stripe, and green.

- Don't try to show me how to improve my technique! I already know how to do it!

- I only like sparring when my opponent is a little bigger than me, not a lot bigger.

- When I'm done, I like to have Gatorade. It has to be Gatorade, not water.

Contact us today for a FREE consultation!

We Will accept payment in the form of milkshakes from Nifty Fifties.

Bad Daddy

A little while ago, Linda came up with a little motivational device for rewarding the kids when they do the things they're supposed to do without being asked.

A chart was hung in the kitchen with one column for each kid, and down the side, the rows were labeled with things like "make bed", "clothes in hamper", "homework", "music practice", "clear dishes", and "hang up towels after bath time".

Now, each time they take care of one of these responsibilities, a dot is placed in the chart. The idea is that when every box on the "dot chart" is filled for a certain number of days, we have some kind of treat, like making cookies, or going to Rita's for water ice.

So both Linda and I thought it was very cute when the kids started putting dots on a separate chart made especially for Daddy. It's a very rewarding feeling when one of your children appreciates something you've done, and wants to find some small way to say "thank you".

That is, until your 5-year-old gets angry at you and vandalizes your "dot chart".

The Despondent Goalkeeper

Hawks goalkeeper Ben announced his retirement from the 6-and-under Ridley United spring soccer league today, also stating that he would no longer participate in any other sports leagues ever, and might even refrain from any and all future physical activity. The announcement came shortly after today’s game in which Ben let in two goals, leading to a tough 2-0 loss to the Devils.

Asked whether he’d feel better if had a juice box, Ben responded before the question was even finished with an emphatic "Noooooo!"

With the loss today, the Hawks drop to 0-2 on the season, having lost a 1-0 heartbreaker to the Mustangs last week.

Next Sunday, the Hawks try to get into the win column as they play the Phantoms at the Edgewood Elementary field at 4PM. (Good seats are still available.)

After being persuaded to partake in a post-game granola bar, Ben was presented with the possibility of coming out of retirement next week to play goalie again for the Hawks.

"Maybe" was the reply.

Little Mousie Adventures

Featuring Little Mousie, Linda, Benjamin, all kinds of monsters, all kinds of hunters and robbers, Phoebe, Zach, and Dad.

(As told by Benjamin Houser)

Chapter 1: The Funness for Mousie

The Little Mousie was in the pet shop. Ben was shopping with his family at the pet shop. When Ben saw Little Mousie, he said, “Mom, can we buy the mouse?”
Mom said, “Sure.”

Then a robber came to the pet shop. “Ooooooh,” said Mousie. “Gulp!” said Mousie. Then Mousie said, “That robber was better than ever!”

When he found the robber’s blaster, Mousie said, “Ooooh, a pet present. It must be an exerciser with this bar.”

He exercised and exercised. Then Ben’s family brought Little Mousie home. They made him a large cage. Then they made a bed for him. They needed to give him lots of cheese.

Once, when there was a robber, Ben’s family called the police. Before they even heard or saw Mousie gulping up the robber, when the robber was gone, they knew what had happened. When they got there, the police said, “Where’s the robber?”

Ben’s family said, “Uh. Our little mouse choked him,”

The police said, “Whaaaaaat?!”

The mouse showed the police officer all the money that the robber had stolen. The police said, “Why is your little mouse wearing a super-hero suit?”

Little Mousie said, “I got it for gulping up a monster with one gulp.”

The police officer asked, “And what are those big tubes outside?”

Mousie said, “They’re my eating bags.”

“Well, they’re pretty big. I don’t think you could eat them.”

Mousie opened his mouth as wide as space and ate one.

When the police had gone, Ben’s family went to the beach. Mousie was trying to catch an orca. A fisherman said, “Bwa Ha Ha! A mouse can’t catch an orca!”

Mousie said, “I can.”

Mousie caught an orca. The fisherman said, “Bet you can’t get to an orca before I’m done blinking”

Mousie got his teleporter ready. And as Mousie said, when the fisherman was done blinking – poof! – there he was! Mousie lifted up the orca and made orca soup. And they all ate.
 
Chapter 2: Little Mousie So Hungry!

Little Mousie said to Linda, “Can I go on vacation?” “Of course,” Linda said.

When he stepped outside, he saw a tiger. And the tiger saw him. And I think you know what

Mousie did: eat him! Then he saw a bush. He ate it! He saw a goblin. He ate it! He saw the vacation house. He at it! Then he built it how he wanted it to be. Then he ate a whole egg, even the shell. Then he ate lots and lots of cheese.

Little Mousie went to Maine. He went to the pool. Do you know what? He drank all the water. Then he ate one side of the pool. Then he exercised to make himself not as fat. Then he saw a lost air balloon. He rode on it – then he ate it.

He saw two cats. He kept them as pets. He named one Bean and one Abby. Then Mousie brought them home. But Phoebe called one Noodgie.

~The End~

The Interrogation Begins...

Today was Central Baptist Church's first day with a new pastor. Phoebe and Ben made sure to orient him to the perils of a CBC Children's Conversation.

When he asked what questions the kids had about him, Phoebe began with "Are you funny?" She later asked if he "has a best friend?"

Ben's question: "Do you believe in American Idol?"

But If You Try Sometimes You Just Might Find...

Ben's preschool teacher reports that she sat down next to Ben at school and told him that she wants to see him do a good job writing his letters today.

Ben's reply: "Well, you can't always get what you want."

(To be fair, this is something Ben hears from me with some frequency.)

Make a Little Birdhouse In Your Soul

Once a month, our local Home Depot holds a workshop where kids are invited to come and work on developing important life skills, such as wacking things repeatedly with a hammer, avoiding injury while performing said wacking, and in the process building a small project.

Pictured here is Ben, having successfully completed building a small birdhouse. Note that all digits are still intact. Victory!

Slave to Fashion

Being a typical four-year-old, Ben likes to dress himself.

There are a few ways of thinking about this. On one extreme, there is the Control Freak approach, where you have all of your child's clothes chosen ahead of time, and the kid has no say in the matter whatsoever. (Which, of course, can only cause the child to rebel hard, directly resulting in all manner of unsightly facial piercings, tattoos, and other unfortunate body modifications.)

Then, on the other end of the spectrum is the Anything Goes approach. This means allowing your child to wear the clothes that they want to wear, even if the outfit they pick out is hideously ugly, not sized properly, aggressively unfashionable, or not appropriate for the weather (like, for example, the long sleeve shirt Ben wanted to wear in the 98-degree heat yesterday.)

Linda and I try to find a balance between these two extremes, and the end result is generally tolerable to all parties involved.

As the picture below illustrates, we took the more lenient approach when Ben dressed himself for his preschool graduation ceremony.

(Yes, those are camouflage rain boots.)

Joy of the Game

Ben played in his first two T-ball games this weekend. He's going to need some work on his swing. And fielding the ball. And throwing. Baserunning needs some work, too.

But much to our delight, he seems to be enjoying it immensely. At least to this point, he approaches the game with a barely-contained joyful enthusiasm. Last year, he seemed to like the game well enough, but this year, he's just thrilled with it.

Another big plus: after being assigned to the Braves last year, this year he gets to play for the Phillies.

Opening Day

With Zach on the DL for a few days (mild fever), Ben took his place in the stands at the Phillies home opener today.

It was a pretty lousy day for a game. It was cold, and while it was never really in danger of being delayed by rain, the game was played in a constant drizzle.

Nevertheless, all of the excitement involved in eating hot dogs and soft pretzels, getting a Phanatic coloring book, seeing home runs hit by Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins, and ultimately seeing the Phillies lose to the Washington Nationals by a score of 11-6 was too much for Ben, who fell asleep within five minutes of getting in the car to go home.

The Spirit of the Knight and Power Ranger

Last night, Linda was working with Ben on his letters using the computer keyboard, and Ben decided he wanted to write a story. He dictated the following to Linda:

The Spirit of the Knight and Power Ranger
by Ben

Once upon a time, there was a knight. There was a witch too. The witch had a pet spider. There was a Power Ranger, the knight’s helper. The Power Ranger didn’t resist anything. The Power Ranger had a ship, and the witch could shoot cannon balls out of her fingers. The knight had a pet dog. The dog’s name was RoofClown. The knight wrote a note to the Power Ranger. The note said,

Dear Power Ranger,

I can’t come and see you again. I need to come out for a short time. It’s a lucky day for you because you get to be alone.

The dog hated baths; he also hated playing games. The knight battled the witch. He beat her.

The End

Ouch!

Ben had a routine checkup at the doctor last week. We knew he was going to need a shot, so we gave him a little pep talk so he'd be prepared.

This news did not go over well with Ben. He was stressed about it all morning.

And it only got worse. As it turned out, he needed five shots. The poor kid had bandages all over his arms.

He did seem to take some solace in showing me his battle scars later that evening.

Halloween Parade III

Noble Knight Sir Benjamin (in flightless mode) marches in his pre-school Halloween parade.

He looked significantly happier with the wings on.

Ben the Flying Knight

While dressing for his Halloween Parade, Ben flashes the secret knight hand signal while trying on the wings from Phoebe's costume.

(Phoebe was not amused.)

Houserspawn(tm) Classic - October 2004

Fourteen-month-old Ben, dressed as a very frightening sippy cup-toting pumpkin, terrorizes the neighborhood on Halloween night 2004.

School Days

On Wednesdays, one of our neighbors' daughters walks to school with Ben. (That's a temporary tattoo on her left arm.)

As I was walking with them and listening in on their conversation, the White Stripes song "We're Going To Be Friends" was going through my head:

Fall is here / hear the yell
Back to school / ring the bell
Brand new shoes / walking blues
Climb the fence / books and pens
I can tell that we are gonna be friends

Dragon Dietary Preferences

In this 15-second video, Ben explains why small castles are safe from dragon attacks.

The sound level is a little low in the video, so here is the transcript:

Dragon: "Roar!"

Ben: "...then he says, Hey, Castle! I'm not gonna eat that castle! It looks too small. Because he only eats big castles, and this is a small castle."

The Interrogation

Ben started back to preschool today. Phoebe was particularly interested in Ben's school activites, as Ben is in the same preschool classroom Phoebe was in last year.

On our way home, Phoebe told him "Ben, I have a lot of questions for you", then proceeded to grill him for the next five minutes. Here is their conversation, more or less verbatim:

Phoebe: "Did you have a good day?"
Ben: "Yes."
Phoebe: "Are your teachers nice?"
Ben: "Yes."
Phoebe: "Was it anyone's birthday?"
Ben: "No."
Phoebe: "What did you have for snack?"
Ben: "Pretzels."
Phoebe: "Did you make any new friends?"
Ben: "Yes."
Phoebe: "What were their names?"
Ben: "I don't remember."
Phoebe: "Did you make a project?"
Ben: "What, are you kidding? Of course I did!" (holds up drawing)
Phoebe: "Do you know your teachers names?"
Ben: "Only one - Miss Micki."
Phoebe: "Miss Micki and Miss Lisa. I know because I was in your class last year."

The cross-examination was finished by the time we got home. I have to hand it to her, Phoebe got about as much information out of Ben than I've ever been able to get out of any of the kids when asking about school.

Ye Olde Birth-Day Partie

We celebrated Benjamin's 4th birthday over the weekend with a big knight-themed birthday bash.

As the guests arrived, they were given swords, asked to find a magical chalice, sent on a quest to slay an evil, fire-breathing dragon (courageously played by Uncle Andrew in a dragon costume), and recover the treasures of the kingdom.

In celebration of the dragon's defeat, gifts were opened, birthday candles were extinguished, and cake was eaten.

It was great fun for everyone. Except maybe for Uncle Andrew, who, as the dragon, was pummed with inflatable swords and water balloons.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Cousins Richard, Alex, Jason, and Jessica joined Ben and I as we took Ben to his first Phillies game on Saturday.

The Fightin' Phils got home runs from Chris Coste, Greg Dobbs, and Jimmy Rollins on their way to a 9-1 victory over the visiting Florida Marlins.