Pinewood Derby 2010

I am not handy. I don't have a very strong track record when it comes to fixing things around the house. All of the tools I own fit neatly into a small toolbox, which lives in a lonely corner of the basement.

So when Zach's Boy Scout troop holds its annual Pinewood Derby, I set my expectations accordingly. My goals are generally: 1) For Zach to have a good time designing and building a car with me, and 2) to not come in last place.

Since my woodworking skills are limited, we keep our car designs simple. The less carving, whittling, cutting, and sculpting we have to do, the better. But even given these limitations, we try to be creative.

Last year, we designed and raced a car shaped vaguely like a shark. We cut out and glued flat pieces of foam for the fins, and cut a chunk out of the front of the car for a mouth, which we accentuated with foam rubber teeth. We kind of messed up on the wheels, so it wasn't a very fast car, but it looked pretty good. It didn't come in last -- we finished 16th out of 24 -- and Zach enjoyed himself. Mission accomplished.

This year, we decided to model our car after a Wii remote. There were two major advantages to this design:

First, since the Wii remote is pretty much shaped like a solid block, there was very little carving to be done. A little sanding to round the edges, a coat of while paint, a little glue to stick some wooden buttons to the top and some drawing of the markings on the face of the remote, and we were finished.

Second, there are few things more intoxicating to 8-12 year old boys than video games. I figured that if even if the car wasn't fast, it would get a lot of attention from the other kids.

So we were thrilled, then, last night, when Zach's car won its first race. And the next. And the next. And the next.

The first five races, his car came in first place. In the last few rounds, he came up against some faster cars, and ultimately placed 4th out of 30.

But the best part of the evening was that he won big in the Best of Show voting, earning him a trophy.

Next year, the stakes are raised, as Ben will be old enough for Scouts. I'll be on the hook for two cars. The bar has been raised.

I have one year.

The Fisherman by Zachary Houser

There once was an old fisherman. He loved the sea, the ocean breeze and the rocking of the boat. He went out fishing for hours a day. He had never actually caught anything, but watching him you would never realize it.

One day, when he was out fishing, he felt a strong tug on his line. His catch pulled hard and he almost fell overboard, but the fisherman was determined to get his first catch. He pulled harder than he knew he could. The battle lasted a long time.

Eventually, a head started surfacing. The head was three times the size of his boat. Then came up the creature’s tail. That was all it had, a head and a tail. It looked like a serpent ending in a whale tail.

The creature said “I am a lord, one of three. My kingdom is the ocean. I control all the creatures that dwell there. I can give you my gift, but you may not have accepted the gift of another of my kind.”

The fisherman was interested in this. “All right,” he said, “Give me this gift.” Without another word, the lord took him underwater. The fisherman held his breath until his lungs felt like they would burst.

Then gills grew on his cheeks. His legs turned into a tail and his arms were suddenly fins. Another fin launched out of his back. He could breathe underwater, and could swim faster than any human. The underwater creatures would stop and watch him pass.

He made a little underwater cottage out of stones to use as a house and hiding place. He saw all kinds of creatures, some discovered, some not.

Eventually, he came to a land where few had been gefore. He tried to surface, only to discover he could no longer breathe out of the water.

He circled around the city and found a pipe pulling in clean water from the ocean, and one sending dirty water through a filter to clean it, and then sending it into the ocean. The fisherman swam into the pipe pulling water in.

When he was able to surface, he found himself in a large room. The only thing inside it was a throne. Sitting on the throne was a creature. It had the body of a bull and the mane of a lion. He said “I am a lord, one of three. My kingdom is the land. I control all the creatures that dwell there. I can give you my gift, but you may not have accepted the gift of another.”

The fisherman thought. He knew he had heard something like that somewhere, but he couldn’t remember where. Eventually, his desire to walk on land again took over. He accepted the gift.

The lord took him out of the water. His tail turned to furry legs with hooves and he grew horns. His face grew fur, although his body was still scaly and slippery. He could now travel by land or sea. He had nearly limitless strength and speed.

The fisherman, while he was still human, wanted to travel everywhere. He decided he would have the best chance of doing this while he was in his current form.

After years of traveling, he realized that there was one place he could never go in his present form. So he set off again, this time with a different goal. He wanted to find the third lord.

He climbed, jumped and swam until he came to the highest spot he could find. There he saw the last lord. The lord had the face of a hawk and the body of an eagle.

He said “I am a lord, one of th-“

The fisherman held up his hand. “I know, I know,” he said. “You are a lord, one of three. Your kingdom is the sky. You control all the creatures that dwell there. You can give me your gift, but I may not have accepted the gift of another. Give me your gift.”

The lord tackled him, and he fell off the cliff. As he fell, he grew a feathered tail and a beak. Right before he hit the ground, wings sprouted. His flying was choppy at first, but he learned fast.

Soon he flew with no problem. However, as he soared, he lost more and more humanity. Soon he had lost his humanity completely. He glided into the night and wasn’t seen again.

Have You Played Atari Today?

For his 9th birthday, Zach is having a sleepover with four of his friends from the neighborhood. We did the usual birthday party stuff earlier in the evening: we had the organized games, the singing of Happy Birthday, the cake and ice cream, and the opening of the gifts. We figured that as the night went on, they would probably end up spending a good amount of time on multiplayer videogames for the Wii.

But so far tonight, the big winner has been the old Atari 2600, which we dusted off and set up the other night. It has kept them entertained for over three hours so far.

Apparently, Guitar Hero and Super Smash Brothers are no substitute for 25-year-old classics like Ms. Pac-Man, Combat, Megamania, and Outlaw.

Eagles Spirit

Today was Eagles Spirit day at Zach and Phoebe's elementary school, and we realized yesterday that Zach has outgrown his Eagles gear.

This meant that Phoebe was going to be in fine shape for Eagles Spirit day, as she was able to sport Zach's old Westbrook jersey. It also meant that we were compelled to go on a shopping trip for a new Eagles jersey for Zach last night.

Before we went, I had two suggestions for Zach.

First suggestion: Jerseys aren't cheap. And while the Eagles' veteran superstar players like McNabb, Westbrook, and Dawkins are terrific, they might only be around for another year, maybe two at best. Go with one of the young players, like DeSean Jackson (the promising rookie WR), Stewart Bradley (Peter King's pick for All-Pro at middle linebacker this season), or Trent Cole (who is probably the team's best defensive lineman).

Second suggestion: Go with the classic green or white jersey. Not that bizarre canary yellow and powder blue throwback jersey they wore for one game last year (in recognition of the Eagles 75th anniversary). And not that green-on-black "alternate" eyesore they've been dressing in once a season, ostensibly for the purpose of increasing jersey sales among the aesthetically challenged.

Ultimately, though, it was going to be Zach's jersey to wear, so I gave him complete autonomy over the decision.

He wore his new alternate green-on-black McNabb jersey to school today.

An independent thinker, this one is.

Baseball

As parents, we try to impart to our kids those things that are most important to us. And for me, near the top of the list is a love for baseball.

So to that end, since Zach was three years old, I have taken him to at least one home Phillies game and one out-of-town game every season. We started going to games in 2003, the last year at Veterens Stadium. Since then, we've seen Ryan Howard, in his Rookie-of-the-Year season, homer at Shea Stadium in a Phils victory over the Mets. We saw the Phillies beat the Nationals at the home opener in 2005. And we saw them lose to the Cardinals in at 2006's season opener. We were there to see the Phillies defeat the Yankees in interleague play, and we watched as Roy Halladay out-pitched Randy Johnson at Yankee Stadium.

In June of 2006, we waited out a rain delay at the old RFK Stadium in Washington, and stuck around well past midnight to see the Phillies fall to the Nationals in extra innings, then came back the following afternoon to see the Phils pick up a win against those same Nats. We were back in DC this year to see the Phils beat the Nationals en route to their second straight NL East championship.

We've seen games at Camden Yards in Baltimore and PNC Park in Pittsburgh. And we've been to a dozen or so minor league games in places like Wilmington, Camden, Atlantic City, Lancaster, Reading, Staten Island, and Brooklyn.

But despite all of this, Zach's interest in the sport has waned over the past few years. He'll still watch an inning or two with me on TV now and then, and he'll still go to games with me. Sometimes.

There are other diversions in his life that capture his attention now in ways that baseball does not. He loves anything to do with Pokémon. He is a voracious reader. And he is addicted to computer games. But baseball? Not so much these days.

So over the weekend, I took drastic measures. I splurged on a pair of tickets to Game 2 of the Phillies-Dodgers National League Championship Series game on Friday. If you don't really pay attention to baseball, you might not be aware of the extent to which the atmosphere at a playoff baseball game is much more intese than that of a regular season game.

The crowd was hanging on every pitch, erupting in cheers with every Phillies hit and every Dodger out. And there was plenty to cheer about that night. The Phillies offense exploded for four runs in the 2nd and four more in the 3rd. A spectatacular Shane Victorino catch in the 7th inning shut down the biggest Dodger threat of the night, and closer Brad Lidge struck out the final batter in the 9th to seal the Phillies victory. Fireworks lit up the sky when the last out was made. And the celebration continued as the stadium emptied, with the crowd shouting spontaneous chants.

If a game like that doesn't make the boy fall in love with baseball, I'm afraid nothing will.

And if it just isn't meant to be, well, I still have hope for Phoebe and Ben...

Brassy Lad

As part of our ongoing effort to minimize any prolonged periods of relative calm and/or tranquility at the house, we encouraged Zach's decision to take up the trombone this year.

Zach's tells us that he made his choice when, at the school assembly introducing the kids to the instruments they could pick from, the trombone player got up on stage and demonstrated by playing the Imperial March from Star Wars. A compelling arguement, to be sure.

Houserspawn(tm) in the News

Zach made an appearance in our local Town Talk newspaper last week for his role in a service project he participated in at school.

The text of the article reads as follows:

Three Amosland Elementary School students of Lauren Derby, Reading Specialist / LEP (Gifted Support) Teacher for Ridley School District, recently conceptualized and executed a community service project that helped students as Park Lane Elementary School in Darby. The trio conducted a drive that asked classmates, parents, and teachers to donate old, new, or gently used items such as; notebooks, art supplies, books, teaching materials, and even sporting goods to a school that had a wish list of needs. With the help of their clever marketing that included morning announcements and letters to both parents and teachers, they collected, sorted, packed and delivered over 30 boxes of goods to the classrooms at Park Lane. Above, l-r Zachary Houser, Gurleen Kaur, Varshini Malliredigari are pictured packing donations.

Wanna Buy A Bridge?

Since he's been four years old, Zach and I have made at least one trip every summer to see a baseball game with Uncle Matt and Aunt Elizabeth in New York.

Baseball wasn't in the cards for this year's visit, as Yankees tickets are at a premium with this being the last year at Yankee Stadium. (Not to mention seeing the Mets play at Shea being generally undesirable, and the minor league Brooklyn Cyclones and Staten Island Yanks not having started their seasons yet.)

So we we spent the day on Saturday walking the Brooklyn Bridge, browsing the giant LEGO scuptures at F.A.O. Schwarz, buying up vintage sweets at Dillard's Candy store, and taking a powerboat ride around New York Harbor.

More pictures here.

So You Think You Can Dance

Last month, Zach and Phoebe performed in a musical at church.

As you can see in this video, it's just a crying shame that Zach is so inhibited on stage. We have to find some way to get that boy to come out of his shell.

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Polar Bears...

As part of the Learning Enrichment Program he is in at school, Zach was on public access cable TV tonight presenting a report he put together on polar bears.

I was hoping his presentation would more closely mirror Steve Carell's "Wildlife Expert" bit from his days as a correspondent on The Daily Show, but I thought it was pretty solid nonetheless.

The sound isn't very clear, so here's the transcript:

"My name is Zachary, I'm from Amosland, my project is on polar bears, my favorite fact I learned is that polar bears sometimes have snowball fights with each other and my favorite part of doing this project was doing the true or false test."

Matzo Ball Soup For Me

Zach has earned a starring role in the church musical this spring, playing the part of Order #2.

It is a speaking role and everything, requiring him to deliver exactly one line: "Matzo ball soup for me."

Phoebe is also involved in the play, as part of the chorus.

Team Houserspawn(tm)'s lawyers have submitted its usual hospitality rider for the performance:

- a private dressing room
- a television set and Wii video game console
- an assortment of paper, crayons, and colored pencils
- six (6) bottles of blue or purple Gatorade (NOT POWERADE!)
- a small platter of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (no crusts, cut into quarters)
- four (4) individually wrapped pieces of string cheese
- a small bowl of baby carrots and ranch dressing dip

We will also be demanding a large number of comp tickets, so if you're in the Philadelphia area on May 11th, and want some VIP seats for the performance, just let us know.

Basketball Season Opener

Zach played his first official basketball game of his season last weekend.

He didn't touch the ball much, but he worked hard and played pretty solid defense. This season could a be tough one for Zach, as he's still developing his basic basketball skills, and he's playing against kids who are almost all older and bigger than him (as evidenced by the photo showing Zach, #8, playing defense against the black team.)

In light of this situation, Team Houserspawn added a supplementary provision to Zach's contract, allowing him the opportunity to earn a milkshake at Nifty Fifty's following each game where he scores a basket.

He's going to need to keep working at putting himself in a position where he has a chance to score. But hey, when milkshakes are involved, anything's possible.

(Epilogue: Zach's Maroon Team won their first game vs. the Black Team, 16-15.)

Eight Years Old

Zach turns eight the end of this month. So last Saturday, we rented the gymnasium at a local church and threw him a Pokémon-themed birthday party.

Upon arrival, the guests were placed into Pokémon teams. Then for the next two hours, we put a room full of second graders through a grueling battery of Pokémon training exercises, including piñata smacking, balloons batting, basket shooting, relay racing, and finally, group singing and ice cream cake consumption.

Fly, Eagles, Fly

I took Zach to his first NFL game yesterday. The cold, rain, and wind (along with the poor play of the Eagles in the first half) made it feel a little like an endurance test, but it was still a good time.

(It helped that the Eagles ultimately won the game.)

I'll leave the rest of the synopsis to Zach, who posted an excellent summary of our experience over on his blog.

Zach's Random Blog

Zach started his own blog this week, influenced primarily by the Purple Bird's blog. He was so excited about this new endeavor that he was up before 6am on Tuesday morning, blogging away.

Now if only we could get his teachers to allow him to submit his homework via his blog. We fight with him about sitting at a table for ten minutes to do his homework, but if it involves sitting in front of a computer, he's all over it.

Let The Good Times Roll

Zach took a school field trip to the local skating rink last week.

Despite falling approximately three hundred times, he reports that he had a good time.

(After a while, he switched to roller blades and seemed less prone to falling.)

Halloween Parade

Zach and friends at the school Halloween parade. (Zach is dressed as Ash Ketchum, the main character from the Pokémon cartoons.)

Houserspawn(tm) Classic - October 2000

I have a strong preference for classic Halloween costumes. I'll take a vampire, ghost, zombie, or mummy over a Power Ranger, Dora the Explorer, Buzz Lightyear, or a Disney Princess any day.

(Sad but true: out of the 70 or 80 kids that came to our door on Halloween last year, close to 50% of the girls were dressed as Disney Princesses.)

I don't have much say in what costumes the kids choose for Halloween these days, and I'm somewhat nostalgic for the days when they were young enough that I could make the decision for them.

This Vampire Zach costume (from his first Halloween, when he was just 10 mos old) is probably my favorite of any that the kids have worn over the years.

Sunday Soccer Highlights

(My apologies for yet another soccer post. I'm increasingly aware that I'm becoming an insufferable Soccer Dad).

Zach and Phoebe's Red Team played the Black Team to a 1-1 draw in their game today.

Phoebe's game continues to improve -- she got more playing time than usual today, and she kept after the ball the entire time she was on the field. She even tried to muscle in front of a much bigger kid while jockeying for position on a throw-in. That's my girl.

Zach's scoring streak extended to three games, as he scored the only Red Team goal. He actually created several scoring chances for himself by working hard, being steadfast in pursuing the play, and playing with a measure of reckless abandon. It is so satisfying to see him have some success this year. I'm proud of my boy.

On the other hand, I'm on the hook for another milkshake, thanks to Zach's goal.

Further evidence that I am becoming an insufferable Soccer Dad:

First, "Soccer" now the most 4th most frequently used label on the Houserspawn(tm) blog, after "Phoebe", "Ben", and "Zach".

Second, I turned down Linda's offer to let me catch the kickoff of the Eagles game this afternoon in order to watch Zach and Phoebe's soccer team play. Frankly, I'm enjoying Red Team soccer more than Eagles football these days.

Another Red Team Win

KEDRON (AP) -- Zach, the boy from down the street, the coach's daughter, and the best player on the team all provided goals in a winning effort as the Red team defeated Yellow 4-0 Saturday, giving Red their third consecutive victory.

It started out looking like it might be a rough day for the Red team, as they had just enough players to field a full team. But even though every available Red player was on the field for the entire game (while Yellow had enough players to rest two at a time), the Yellow team was no match for the Red team's offensive attack.

Zach scored his second goal of the season, earning himself another celebratory milkshake at Nifty Fifty's.

Phoebe played mostly on defense, did a good job paying attention to the game, and even kicked the ball a few times.

The Red team has three more regular season games before the big Parents vs. Kids showdown two weeks from today.