Missing Mommy

Linda left this morning to make a presentation at the American Polical Science Association annual meeting in Chicago.

It only took until around 4pm this afternoon for the kids to start taping notes to the front door expressing their feelings about Mommy's absence.

(Note reads: It is no fun without you Mom. Love Phoebe.)

Comedy is Not Pretty

Phoebe had some jokes for me when I got home from work today:

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
Because she always ran away from the ball.

Did you hear about the dancing sheep?
She's a baaaa-lerina.

What's a cat's favorite color?
Purrr-ple.

Happy Birthday, Ben

Ben turns four years old today, so I met with him this morning to complete his annual performance review:

PERFORMANCE REVIEW

Name: Ben
Department: Humanoid Development
Title: Offspring Prototype 3.0
Review Period: Sept 2006 - Aug 2007

1) Accomplishments
In the past year, Ben has started preschool, participated in the local tee-ball league, and most importantly, successfully completed potty training. He has also made significant progress in bike riding, moving from his tricycle to a two wheeler (with training wheels).

2) New Responsibilities/Professional Development
Ben has (somewhat reluctantly) taken on the responsibility of keeping his room clean and throwing his dirty clothes in the hamper, and has made some progress in the area of not peeing on the bathroom floor. We are also expanding his recreational responsibilities to include participation in a fall soccer league, and increasing his preschool workload from one to three days per week.

3) Career Goals
While Ben's stated career goal of "becoming a knight" seems rather improbable, we applaud his ambition. While knighthood might not be in his immediate future, Ben's skills are well suited for his current role here at Houserspawn(tm). We anticipate that our relationship with Ben will continue to be mutually benficial for the forseeable future.

4) Additional Comments
Ben is a productive member of the Houserspawn(tm) team, and we look forward to seeing him work toward fulfilling his potential in the upcoming year.

5) Recommendations
I am recommending the usual bonuses for the year, including an extra-large slice of cake at the upcoming Houserspawn(tm)-sponsored birthday party.

The Tooth Fairy Conundrum

Phoebe has recently renounced her belief in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.

As for the question of who then puts presents under trees, candy in baskets, and money under pillows, she has identified "Mommies and Daddies" as the prime suspects.

Inconveniently, she lost another of her front teeth yesterday.

With a visit from the tooth fairy on the line, we'll see how this crisis of faith plays out.

The End of the Summer

Today is the first day of school for our 2nd grader. He couldn't be happier.

Well, ok, he could be a little happier.

Zach: The Houserspawn(tm) Exclusive Interview

I asked Zach the same ten questions (some slightly modified) that James Lipton asks of every guest on Inside the Actors Studio:

Houserspawn: What is your favorite word?
Zach: Pokémon

(ed. note: Pokémon has been Zach's obsession for the past six months or so.)

HS: What is your least favorite word?
Z: Bedtime

HS: What makes you excited?
Z: Playing (Pokémon) games.

HS: What makes you sad?
Z: Doing things I don't want to do.

HS: What sound or noise do you love?
Z: The sounds that a Scizor makes.

(ed note: Scizor is a Pokémon character. Pokémon = crack cocaine for 7 year old boys.)

HS: What does that sound like?
Z: (In a hushed voice: "Scizor!")

HS: What sound or noise do you hate?
Z: (imitates a trumpet playing the "charge" fanfare)

HS: What word do you like to say when you are angry?
Z: "Oh man!"

HS: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Z: Make video games.

HS: What job would you not like to do when you grow up?
Z: A football player. (Because they get hurt too much.)

HS: What would you like to hear God say to you?
Z: I'd have to know how many words God knows before I can answer that.

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

(untitled)

by Phoebe

Once some trolls lived under a bridge.

One day, a bad guy fell in love with a good guy. And everytime the ruler of bad guys told them to get away from the good guy, they danced and kissed. And the bad guy just went crazy.

And then he fainted.

And anyway the trolls were babies.

And they stayed with each other all the night. So the next day they married. While the bad guy just sat in jail.

(to be continued?)

Ben's Chauffeur Service

Need a ride?

Contact Houserspawn(tm) today and let Ben's Chauffeur Service do the driving! With several months of experience, NO ONE in the business is more skilled at driving in circular patterns at a controlled speed than our semi-professional driver.

Whether you prefer to travel by bumper car, train, boat, or go-kart, Ben's Chauffeur Service is the way to go!

TERMS & CONDITIONS: Driver will decide when and where to pick up and drop off. Passengers must purchase their own ride tickets.

Also, riders may NOT sound bells, car horns, or train whistles! These are for the driver only!

Passengers may have to get out and wait for the next ride if there is not enough room in the vehicle.

No refunds.

Ben's Chauffeur Service may or may not comply with local child labor laws.

The Adventures of Adventure Girl

Out of our three kids, Phoebe is easily the most fearless when it comes to amusement rides, as demonstrated by her willingness to ride anything during our amusement park visits this summer, including last week's visits to Dutch Wonderland and Knoebels Grove.

Roller coasters? Check. Log flumes? Check. Waterslides that expel the rider 10 feet over the deep end of the swimming pool? Check.

Unfortunately, at 47" tall, Phoebe just misses out on the 48" minimum height for some of the more ambitious rides.

Just wait 'til next year...

Summer Highlights 2007 - Maine-Style Hot Tub Stew

Ingredients:
3 medium-sized children
500 gallons of water
chlorine to taste

Directions:
Add water to hot tub and heat to approx 102°F. Turn on bubble spouts to high. Add children. Cook 15-20 minutes, or until children are mellowed out.

Summer Highlights 2007 - One Rider Only

Zach and Phoebe, flagrantly disobeying the "1 Rider Only" sign on a coin-operated ride in Cape May, New Jersey.

Summer Highlights 2007 - The Next Tiger?

Ben demonstrates his flawless putting technique while vacationing in Cape May last month.

Hot Dog Wins!

My parents and I took the kids out to see the Wilmington Blue Rocks take on the Frederick Keys last Friday night.

After nine innings, the hometown Rocks were locked in a 1-1 tie. The hour was getting late, so we headed for home and never did find out who won the game.

We can state definitively, however, that the hot dog beat out the peanut and the popcorn during the bewteen-innings Mascot Mania race.

The Park that Time Forgot

At the end of our block is a small, neglected public park, used mostly as a place for neighborhood teens to drink after dark.

It's so secluded that I didn't even know it was there until we had lived in our house for over a year.

It's overgrown, strewn with litter, and the equipment is in disrepair.

But the park has two things going for it which make it worth visiting.

First, there is a huge tree stump that the kids like to climb on.

And second, at times during the summer, the creek running through the park is inhabited by frogs.

And really, what more can you ask for?

The Curse of Harry Potter

Zach has been strangely sedentary lately, spending inordinately long stretches of time sitting quietly, as if he’s in a world of his own.

While it’s been difficult to endure the long periods of peace and quiet, we are holding out hope that before too long, he’ll be up and about again, running around the house and fighting with his brother and sister.

The Little Mermaid

Phoebe shows off the swim bracelet she earned for passing the swimming test at our local pool.

Ben's Photography

Ben's Photography - Semi-professional photography at affordable prices.

Specializing in photographing cats and ultra-close-ups since July 2007!

Why trust your special event to "professionals" who bring along all kinds of extra equipment, take hundreds of pictures, and charge you thousands of dollars? At Ben's photography, we save you money by only taking a few pictures of people (and any cats you might have) at your event at extremely close proximity using Mommy's old digital camera. It's the best value in photography!

Our guarantee: We will take pictures at your wedding, portrait sitting, or corporate event, and we'll let you see them if you promise to let me push the buttons. (I like to hold the camera!)

Contact Houserspawn(tm) today for pricing and appointments!

PLEASE NOTE: Photos are not guaranteed to meet client specifications. Our photographer can not work in any location that requires him to cross the street (unless he is holding Mommy or Daddy's hand). Ben's Photography may or may not comply with local child labor laws.

Missing Tooth

Phoebe shows off her best punk rock sneer as she displays her newly missing front tooth.

Ben: The Houserspawn(tm) Exclusive Interview

Yesterday, I asked Ben the same ten questions (some slightly modified) that James Lipton asks of every guest on Inside the Actors Studio:

Houserspawn (tm): What is your favorite word?
Ben: I like the words 'I love you' and I like the word 'yes'.

HS: What is your least favorite word?
B: I don't like the words 'I don't love you' and the word 'no'.
(ed. note: We almost never tell Ben that we don't love him.)

HS: What makes you excited?
B: When I get to go back to my baseball game.

HS: What makes you sad?
B: When some bad kids scream at me.

HS: What sound or noise do you love?
B: The sound of twinkling stars.
HS: What do twinkling stars sound like?
B: Like this! [makes high pitched sound while shaking hands in front of self]

HS: What sound or noise do you hate?
B: Screaming

HS: What word do you like to say when you are angry?
B: STOP!

HS: What do you want to do when you grow up?
B: Be a knight that has a helmet with a feather on it.

HS: What job would you not like to do when you grow up?
B: A princess and a unicorn and a Fairy Realm creature.
(ed. note: Fairy Realm is the series of children's fantasy stories we've been reading to Phoebe and Ben at bedtime.)

HS: What would you like to hear God say to you?
B: I love you.

About five minutes after the "interview", Ben produced a pencil and a pad of paper, and proceeded to interview me. Take it away, Ben:

Ben: What sound do you like?
Al: Music.

B: What would you like [to hear] if God said something to you?
A: I would like to hear God say "Well done".

B: What do you do when someone is mad at you?
A: I try to talk to them about why they are mad at me.

B: How angry are you when someone breaks your computer? Super angry, or just a little bit angry?
A: This question makes me a little nervous, Ben. Is there something you'd like to tell me?

B: That's good enough, I think.

Summer Highlights 2007 - New Tenants

In the spring, a robin built her nest on the floodlights in front of our house.

During the first few weeks of the summer, we'd frequently pull up in the driveway and see mama bird feeding her babies.

We had to evict them, though, as they were constantly late with the rent.

Summer Highlights 2007 - the Houser All-Stars

It's been three weeks now since I started posting, but I wanted to share some pictures from earlier in the summer.

Here are the kids back in June, wearing their baseball uniforms.

Zach played for the Pirates. Phoebe played for the Diamondbacks.

And much to my dismay, Ben was assigned to play for the Braves. (The Atlanta Braves are the much hated rival of my beloved Philadelphia Phillies.)

I think I handled this Braves situation rather well. I didn't boo the team even once. And I permitted Ben to wear his Braves hat in the van on the way to and from games. Not in the house, though.

An Open Letter to the Houser Children

Dear Houser children,

We are writing to express our displeasure regarding the inequitable distribution of animal feed during your visit to Linvilla Orchards last weekend.

We understand that the rabbits, deer, sheep and even the goats may be considered cuter than us by your incomprehensible human standards, but we chickens, pheasants, and emu get hungry too. We would have very much enjoyed more of the feed that you were offering. Bawk! Bawk!

To be fair, you did offer us some feed. Perhaps our attempts to peck you through our cage did not adequately convey our thanks for what you did give us. And maybe you were put off by our loud clucking and surly attitudes. Bawk! Bawk!

We only ask that on your next visit, you think of us chickens, and offer us at least as much feed as our four-footed bretheren.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go scratch in the dirt, peck at visitors through the fence, and squawk loudly at each other.

Please come back soon! Bawk! Bawk!

Sincerely,
The Linvilla Orchards Union of Concerned Chickens and Other Assorted Avian Creatures

Feeding Animals

Zach, Phoebe, and Ben feeding the animals at Linvilla Orchards during their visit last weekend.

I will neither confirm nor deny the rumor that Ben attempted to eat some of the animal feed.