President Phoebe

On President's day, Phoebe's project at school was to illustrate what she would do if she were President.

She drew this outstanding picture of President Phoebe brokering peace between two soldiers (with the obligatory silhouettes of floating, disembodied Washington and Lincoln heads looking on).

The text below the picture reads "If I were President, I would stop wars."

She has my vote.

Monster Jam

On Friday night, Linda's dad and I took Zach and Ben to a monster truck show. Here's the play-by-play:

6:27 PM - Leaving for the show, Ben decides that he does not want to see monster trucks, repeating over and over again: "I don't want to go to the truck show!" He finally gives up the fight, and climbs into his car seat.

7:02 PM - At monster truck shows, we learn that not only are there ticket scalpers in the parking lot; the earplug black market is thriving. (Fortunately, we brought our own.)

7:15 PM - Before the show starts, the announcer comes out to present the agenda for the evening. He describes, in detail, the various events we are about to witness, the order in which these events are to occur, and questions us repeatedly regarding our readiness to observe said events. In fact, we are asked no less than six times: "ARE YOU READY FOR MONSTER JAM?!"

7:34 PM - The monster trucks roar into the arena! There are eight of them, they are very loud, and they slowly parade around the perimeter of the performance area.

7:41 PM - Monster Jam can't officially start until we honor our fire fighters, the police, America, and the brave men and women who fight for our freedom. A large American flag is slowly unfurled while a recording of Lee Greenwood singing about how he feels to be an American (proud, in case you're wondering) is played over the PA system. Then a local high school sophomore delivers an agreeable performance of our national anthem to a stadium full of people wearing earplugs.

7:46 PM - Each monster truck takes a turn running over a line of four cars. Each run is given a score, not all that much unlike a figure skating competition. I don't know what criteria they use exactly, but "getting air" is definitely encouraged. The winner is a monster truck called Gravedigger, which is apparently one of Monster Jam's most popular attractions. (After the fact, I learned that this was called the "Wheelie Competition")

7:59 PM - While setting up for the next event, there is a go-cart race with "Team New York" racing against "Team Philadelphia". The Team New York captain is a typical pro-wrestling-style heel who taunts the fans after Team New York wins the first heat. Can Team Philly come back, win the next heat, and take the go-kart competition? We can only hope.

8:03 PM - The monster trucks now have a racing tournament where each truck needs to drive up and over four cars to the finish line. Each race takes about five minutes to set up and about 10 seconds to run. A truck called Monster Mutt, decorated like a giant dog, wins the tournament. Blue cotton candy is consumed, and Zach and Ben are covered in blue sticky goo.

8:22 PM - Time for intermission, during which they have little remote controlled trucks drive around on the track. This is surprisingly entertaining, with the crowd reacting to the toy trucks with almost as much enthusiasm as the actual monster trucks. The blue cotton candy situation is remedied during a quick trip to the men's room.

8:41 PM - Next is the motorcycle jumping portion of the show. They have ramps set up, and three motorcyclists take turns jumping and doing tricks.

8:53 PM - A quick survey of the Houserspawn(tm) reveals that they have seen enough Monster Jam for one night, and are ready to beat the traffic and get home.

9:28 PM - Upon arriving home, Ben (who should be exhausted by now) chatters to Linda and Nana excitedly about the show - particularly the motorcycle jumpers - until we are able to get him settled down and ready for bed.

All in all, a fun boys night out for the Houserspawn(tm). The girls, by the way, went to see the new Spiderwick movie. I am told that it was great, even if it was completely devoid of EXTREME MONSTER TRUCK ACTION!!!

Matzo Ball Soup For Me

Zach has earned a starring role in the church musical this spring, playing the part of Order #2.

It is a speaking role and everything, requiring him to deliver exactly one line: "Matzo ball soup for me."

Phoebe is also involved in the play, as part of the chorus.

Team Houserspawn(tm)'s lawyers have submitted its usual hospitality rider for the performance:

- a private dressing room
- a television set and Wii video game console
- an assortment of paper, crayons, and colored pencils
- six (6) bottles of blue or purple Gatorade (NOT POWERADE!)
- a small platter of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (no crusts, cut into quarters)
- four (4) individually wrapped pieces of string cheese
- a small bowl of baby carrots and ranch dressing dip

We will also be demanding a large number of comp tickets, so if you're in the Philadelphia area on May 11th, and want some VIP seats for the performance, just let us know.

Daisy Scouts

Last week, Phoebe participated in a Daisy Scout Investiture Ceremony. I'm not sure how much I am at liberty to reveal, but the proceedings were not unlike how I picture a Skull and Bones induction. Only with more singing.

I don't want to put myself at risk of retribution by divulging too much information, but here were some of the highlights of the ritual:

The girls started with a song about meeting new friends:

Make new friends / Keep the old
One is silver / And the other gold

Next came the Girl Scout Pledge (accompanied by the secret Girl Scout Hand Signal).

Then, things got serious.

Each new recruit was led out onto the stage with a handmade, paper daisy in front of her face. The Scout leader held an (empty) watering can over the girl's head, and recited this incantation:

Sprinkle with honesty, friendship, and care
Sprinkle (girl's name) with all
that is fair
Raise your voices as we shout
And up comes a new...
(shouted) DAISY! GIRL! SCOUT!

At this, the girl dropped the paper daisy away from her face, and hopped into the air, as if being sprouted anew as a Daisy Scout.

Once all of the new Daisies were sprouted, there was a closing ceremony where another song was sung, and then it was juice boxes and baked goods for everyone.

Aside from wearing the sharp uniform and attending the secret meetings, I'm not entirely clear what rights and privileges a DAISY! GIRL! SCOUT! enjoys. (Issue parking tickets? Conduct searches without a warrant? Make citizens arrests?)

But in any case, it is somehow comforting to know that Team Houserspawn(tm) has connections to at least one other secret society in the neighborhood.

Gingerbread Disaster

Catching up on some pictures from over the holidays...

In the days just after Christmas, Linda worked on building a gingerbread house with the kids.

Lesson learned: Gingerbread is a less-than-ideal building material.

We Wish You A Merry Fitness

Over the Christmas and New Years holidays, we had the opportunity to make several trips to visit Linda's parents.

Nana and Grandpa have a big yard where the kids can run and play, a dog that loves attention, and a large assortment of toys and games. And during our visits, the kids were the recipients of many generous gifts from their grandparents, aunts, and uncles.

And yet, the kids' favorite activity at Nana and Grandpa's house is to play on the old stationary bike and treadmill that Linda's parents keep in the basement.

The most popular games include:

- running the treadmill at full speed and dodging the toys that your siblings place on the track
- using the treadmill guardrails to flip upside-down (preferably, with the treadmill still running)
- climbing between the treadmill and stationary bike without touching the floor

Because after all, when you're a child, what is more compelling than wanton danger and recklessness?

(Answer: Nothing.)