The Comedian

A couple of months ago, Phoebe and I started rehearsing an act for the CBC talent show. It was an old Sesame Street skit where Prairie Dawn (the little girl muppet) sings a song which describes words that begin with the letter Q while Grover (the perpetually befuddled blue monster muppet) makes silly, incorrect guesses, eventually exasperating Prairie Dawn.

Phoebe was just adorable during these practice sessions, the song was funny, and the whole thing seemed like it was going to be a slam dunk.

That is, until about two weeks ago, when Phoebe decided that she no longer wanted to sing the song, and no amount of coaxing was going to change her mind.

We still had a time slot reserved, so I started scrambling for a new idea. But Phoebe shot down every idea I came up with. Finally, with only a few days left until showtime, she agreed to tell some jokes.

So last weekend, I served as Phoebe’s straight man in a comedy routine which showcased gags like:

Patient: Doctor, doctor! My husband thinks he's a chicken!
Doctor: How long has this been going on?
Patient: For about five years.
Doctor: Five years? Why haven't you come to see me sooner?
Patient: Because we needed the eggs.

But the most inspired thing about the act was this: after each joke, Zach (sitting just offstage) played the vaudeville-like reaction noise on his trombone. WAAHHH-waahh!

Ben even got in on the action with a few gags of his own.

But Phoebe – well, she got such a great crowd reaction and so many compliments afterward that now, she has the comedy bug in a big way. She recites her jokes every chance she gets, and she’s already talking about what she wants to do at the next talent show. I think I can probably just forget about the cutesy little-girl stuff. We have a stand-up comedian on our hands.

Bad Daddy

A little while ago, Linda came up with a little motivational device for rewarding the kids when they do the things they're supposed to do without being asked.

A chart was hung in the kitchen with one column for each kid, and down the side, the rows were labeled with things like "make bed", "clothes in hamper", "homework", "music practice", "clear dishes", and "hang up towels after bath time".

Now, each time they take care of one of these responsibilities, a dot is placed in the chart. The idea is that when every box on the "dot chart" is filled for a certain number of days, we have some kind of treat, like making cookies, or going to Rita's for water ice.

So both Linda and I thought it was very cute when the kids started putting dots on a separate chart made especially for Daddy. It's a very rewarding feeling when one of your children appreciates something you've done, and wants to find some small way to say "thank you".

That is, until your 5-year-old gets angry at you and vandalizes your "dot chart".

The Fisherman by Zachary Houser

There once was an old fisherman. He loved the sea, the ocean breeze and the rocking of the boat. He went out fishing for hours a day. He had never actually caught anything, but watching him you would never realize it.

One day, when he was out fishing, he felt a strong tug on his line. His catch pulled hard and he almost fell overboard, but the fisherman was determined to get his first catch. He pulled harder than he knew he could. The battle lasted a long time.

Eventually, a head started surfacing. The head was three times the size of his boat. Then came up the creature’s tail. That was all it had, a head and a tail. It looked like a serpent ending in a whale tail.

The creature said “I am a lord, one of three. My kingdom is the ocean. I control all the creatures that dwell there. I can give you my gift, but you may not have accepted the gift of another of my kind.”

The fisherman was interested in this. “All right,” he said, “Give me this gift.” Without another word, the lord took him underwater. The fisherman held his breath until his lungs felt like they would burst.

Then gills grew on his cheeks. His legs turned into a tail and his arms were suddenly fins. Another fin launched out of his back. He could breathe underwater, and could swim faster than any human. The underwater creatures would stop and watch him pass.

He made a little underwater cottage out of stones to use as a house and hiding place. He saw all kinds of creatures, some discovered, some not.

Eventually, he came to a land where few had been gefore. He tried to surface, only to discover he could no longer breathe out of the water.

He circled around the city and found a pipe pulling in clean water from the ocean, and one sending dirty water through a filter to clean it, and then sending it into the ocean. The fisherman swam into the pipe pulling water in.

When he was able to surface, he found himself in a large room. The only thing inside it was a throne. Sitting on the throne was a creature. It had the body of a bull and the mane of a lion. He said “I am a lord, one of three. My kingdom is the land. I control all the creatures that dwell there. I can give you my gift, but you may not have accepted the gift of another.”

The fisherman thought. He knew he had heard something like that somewhere, but he couldn’t remember where. Eventually, his desire to walk on land again took over. He accepted the gift.

The lord took him out of the water. His tail turned to furry legs with hooves and he grew horns. His face grew fur, although his body was still scaly and slippery. He could now travel by land or sea. He had nearly limitless strength and speed.

The fisherman, while he was still human, wanted to travel everywhere. He decided he would have the best chance of doing this while he was in his current form.

After years of traveling, he realized that there was one place he could never go in his present form. So he set off again, this time with a different goal. He wanted to find the third lord.

He climbed, jumped and swam until he came to the highest spot he could find. There he saw the last lord. The lord had the face of a hawk and the body of an eagle.

He said “I am a lord, one of th-“

The fisherman held up his hand. “I know, I know,” he said. “You are a lord, one of three. Your kingdom is the sky. You control all the creatures that dwell there. You can give me your gift, but I may not have accepted the gift of another. Give me your gift.”

The lord tackled him, and he fell off the cliff. As he fell, he grew a feathered tail and a beak. Right before he hit the ground, wings sprouted. His flying was choppy at first, but he learned fast.

Soon he flew with no problem. However, as he soared, he lost more and more humanity. Soon he had lost his humanity completely. He glided into the night and wasn’t seen again.