Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History

In this Very Special Episode of the Houserspawn(tm) blog, our coverage expands to include our extended family in Maryland, where my cousin Richard reports that his daughter Natalie and her 2nd-seeded Maryland Terps basketball team went 8-2 in their league tournament last week, beating out seven other teams and winning the 8-year-old girls league championship.

Natalie won the team's "most feared player" award, made the league All-Star team, and perhaps most impressively, was the only player in the league to foul out of a game.

Big congrats to Natalie from your cousins up North!

The Despondent Goalkeeper

Hawks goalkeeper Ben announced his retirement from the 6-and-under Ridley United spring soccer league today, also stating that he would no longer participate in any other sports leagues ever, and might even refrain from any and all future physical activity. The announcement came shortly after today’s game in which Ben let in two goals, leading to a tough 2-0 loss to the Devils.

Asked whether he’d feel better if had a juice box, Ben responded before the question was even finished with an emphatic "Noooooo!"

With the loss today, the Hawks drop to 0-2 on the season, having lost a 1-0 heartbreaker to the Mustangs last week.

Next Sunday, the Hawks try to get into the win column as they play the Phantoms at the Edgewood Elementary field at 4PM. (Good seats are still available.)

After being persuaded to partake in a post-game granola bar, Ben was presented with the possibility of coming out of retirement next week to play goalie again for the Hawks.

"Maybe" was the reply.

Caution: This Post Contains Language Which May Be Unsuitable for Younger Readers

Occasionally, the topic of profanity comes up with the kids. Zach recently asked whether the word "ass" is a "bad word". My response to this is that there are no such things as "bad words", but there are words and phrases that you can say that might upset others, and make people think you are rude or lazy or unimaginative, so it's best to avoid saying such things.

Linda was prompted to expand on this conversation yesterday when Phoebe asked Linda "What's the F-word?"

Apparently, one of the neighborhood kids told Phoebe that "if you say the F-word, your teeth will turn black and fall out." After disabusing her of this notion, the profanity discussion resumed.

Now, before going any further, I feel like I should lay down some ground rules for the rest of the post. Although I don't often use the word in question, I don't have strong objections to it, either. I understand that some readers of the Houserspawn(tm) blog do have these objections, however, and so for that reason, I'm going to take my own advice, exercise some self-censorship, and not actually put those four letters next to each other here on the blog. After all, this is a fine, family-oriented operation we're running here. And who knows what kinds of hits we'd get from regrettable Google searches.

Given the subject matter, I am going to need to employ some kind of linguistic device to show when I do, in fact, mean that word.

So what are my options? I think it looks kinda silly when the word "BEEP" is used in print to indicate an objectionable word being censored. It also diminishes the impact of the censored word down to pretty much nothing. Same goes for the cartoonish method of replacing the offending word with various symbols, as in "@&$#*!" I also don't care for the method of starring out all but the first and last letter of a word (e.g. "f**K"), or the clumsy substitution of letters with look-alike characters (e.g. "a$$"). So I'm going to take a page from the Battlestar Galactica playbook here and use the work "frak" as a substitute for the dreaded "F-Word".

Back to our story: After giving Phoebe the requisite warnings about using language that people might find distasteful, Linda gave her what she was asking for. She told her what the "F-word" is, gave her an age-appropriate definition, and told her how people commonly use it.

The example Linda provided was "I hate my frakking homework", or alternately, "Frak my homework!" Phoebe tried saying these examples a few times… and seemed to enjoy doing so maybe a little more than Linda expected.

The conversation was wrapped up with one more reminder that "frak" is a word that we expect her to refrain from using in everyday conversation, making it clear that we don't want to hear it at home, and it will get her into trouble if she uses it at school or around her friends.

Phoebe suggested that instead, maybe she could use the opposite of "frak", which, she deduced, would have to be "un-frak". Linda assured her that no, "un-frak" would not be an acceptable alternative.

I'm sure this discussion will come up again, and while it's not always the most comfortable thing to talk about with young kids, I think we've set the right tone. Put another way, when it comes to teaching our kids about appropriate behavior – including what profanity is, what it means, and how it's used – well, we’re doing the best frakking job we can.

Little Mousie Adventures

Featuring Little Mousie, Linda, Benjamin, all kinds of monsters, all kinds of hunters and robbers, Phoebe, Zach, and Dad.

(As told by Benjamin Houser)

Chapter 1: The Funness for Mousie

The Little Mousie was in the pet shop. Ben was shopping with his family at the pet shop. When Ben saw Little Mousie, he said, “Mom, can we buy the mouse?”
Mom said, “Sure.”

Then a robber came to the pet shop. “Ooooooh,” said Mousie. “Gulp!” said Mousie. Then Mousie said, “That robber was better than ever!”

When he found the robber’s blaster, Mousie said, “Ooooh, a pet present. It must be an exerciser with this bar.”

He exercised and exercised. Then Ben’s family brought Little Mousie home. They made him a large cage. Then they made a bed for him. They needed to give him lots of cheese.

Once, when there was a robber, Ben’s family called the police. Before they even heard or saw Mousie gulping up the robber, when the robber was gone, they knew what had happened. When they got there, the police said, “Where’s the robber?”

Ben’s family said, “Uh. Our little mouse choked him,”

The police said, “Whaaaaaat?!”

The mouse showed the police officer all the money that the robber had stolen. The police said, “Why is your little mouse wearing a super-hero suit?”

Little Mousie said, “I got it for gulping up a monster with one gulp.”

The police officer asked, “And what are those big tubes outside?”

Mousie said, “They’re my eating bags.”

“Well, they’re pretty big. I don’t think you could eat them.”

Mousie opened his mouth as wide as space and ate one.

When the police had gone, Ben’s family went to the beach. Mousie was trying to catch an orca. A fisherman said, “Bwa Ha Ha! A mouse can’t catch an orca!”

Mousie said, “I can.”

Mousie caught an orca. The fisherman said, “Bet you can’t get to an orca before I’m done blinking”

Mousie got his teleporter ready. And as Mousie said, when the fisherman was done blinking – poof! – there he was! Mousie lifted up the orca and made orca soup. And they all ate.
 
Chapter 2: Little Mousie So Hungry!

Little Mousie said to Linda, “Can I go on vacation?” “Of course,” Linda said.

When he stepped outside, he saw a tiger. And the tiger saw him. And I think you know what

Mousie did: eat him! Then he saw a bush. He ate it! He saw a goblin. He ate it! He saw the vacation house. He at it! Then he built it how he wanted it to be. Then he ate a whole egg, even the shell. Then he ate lots and lots of cheese.

Little Mousie went to Maine. He went to the pool. Do you know what? He drank all the water. Then he ate one side of the pool. Then he exercised to make himself not as fat. Then he saw a lost air balloon. He rode on it – then he ate it.

He saw two cats. He kept them as pets. He named one Bean and one Abby. Then Mousie brought them home. But Phoebe called one Noodgie.

~The End~