Press Your Luck

One of the traditions at the Christmas Eve service at our church is to have a Children's Conversation, during which all of the kids dress up as the different players in the Nativity scene. There's a Mary, a Joseph, some angels, wise people, shepherds, and animals.

This year, once the kids were in their costumes, our pastors asked a series of questions about the birth of Jesus. Now, this is always an act of faith, as the kids' answers to these questions can range from profound to ridiculous. And the stakes are raised on Christmas Eve, when the kids are giddy with excitement for Christmas morning.

As the conversation started, we could sense in our three kids that that the longer it continued, the more likely their exhilharation would manifest in some silly outburst. It might be after four questions, it might be after eight questions -- and it occurred to me that whether they realized it or not, with each question the pastors were engaging in a game of Press Your Luck. But so far, the kids' responses had all been quite appropriate up until now, and the pastors continued to move the conversation forward.

The next question was asked. "In light of the surprise of God appearing to humankind through the baby Jesus, what could God do to surprise us on *this* Christmas morning?"

Zachary (dressed like a sheep) raised his hand. And then -- somewhat uncharacteristically -- bleated into the microphone. "Baaaaaaa!"

Zach, Ben, and Phoebe erupted in giggles. (Fortunately, the silliness didn't seem to extend to the other kids involved in the conversation.) Linda and I smiled while people in our church family gave us sympathetic looks.

And then, after a few more questions (which Zachary was not invited to answer), the conversation was over.

After getting not nearly enough sleep, Christmas morning came, and the kids had many more opportunities to exhibit the sometimes silly, over-the-top joy and delight that the holiday brings out in our kids.

Thanks to our Pastors, Tom and Laurie, for their patience and willingness to listen to all our kids have to offer, be it profound or ridiculous.

Our Favorite Things in 2009

Instead of sending out a formal Christmas letter, our tradition is to include a short insert with our Christmas cards listing each of the kids' favorite things in several categories.

Here is this year's survey:

book
Zach: The Last Olympian by Rick Riordan
Phoebe: Bad Kitty Gets A Bath by Nick Bruel
Ben: Here Comes Snoopy by Charles Schultz

game
Zach: Cosmic Encounter
Phoebe: Go Fish
Ben: Checkers

song
Zach: Dreams of an Absolution by Crush 40
Phoebe: Let It Be by The Beatles
Ben: All You Need Is Love by The Beatles

food
Zach: tacos
Phoebe: pasta
Ben: pizza ("And peanuts!")

future occupation
Zach: architect or video game developer.
Phoebe: teacher
Ben: "Blimp pilot. I like being high up in the sky and taking pictures."

Christmas carol
Zach: Deck The Halls
Phoebe: Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
Ben: Jingle Bells (Batman smells)

Santa Claus: Man or Elf?
Zach: "Elf, according to the Artemis Fowl books."
Phoebe: "Man. Elves have pointy ears."
Ben: "He's the chief elf. All the other elves have to follow him."

Wish for the World
Zach: Peace
Phoebe: Silence
Ben: Toys


BONUS! EXCLUSIVE WEB-ONLY OUTTAKES!!


What is the best thing that happened to you in 2009?
Zach: "Spending two weeks in Maine."
Phoebe: "Getting new kittens."
Ben: "I passed my swimming test."

What does Santa Claus give to trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
Zach: candy canes
Phoebe: toys
Ben: candy pumpkins

How does Santa get inside houses that don't have a fireplace?
Zach: "He goes in through a window"
Phoebe: "He's magical, or whatever."
Ben: "I guess he can't. He probably just leaves the presents outside."

How does Santa Claus keep Rudolph from jumping up on the kitchen counters?
Zach: "Rudolph is locked out of the house."
Phoebe: "He sprays him with a water bottle and puts coal in his stocking."
Ben: "Santa Claus yells at him and scares him."

Things to Do in Wildwood when it's 68 Degrees Outside

We returned from our annual North Wildwood family vacation yesterday, where the temperature hovered around the high 60s most of the week.

Truth be told, I actually don't mind the cooler weather at all. I don't really like laying on the beach, sunburn, or being uncomfortably warm for extended periods of time. I'd take a 68 degree week down the shore every time.

Obligatory vacation photos can be found by following the link.

The Comedian

A couple of months ago, Phoebe and I started rehearsing an act for the CBC talent show. It was an old Sesame Street skit where Prairie Dawn (the little girl muppet) sings a song which describes words that begin with the letter Q while Grover (the perpetually befuddled blue monster muppet) makes silly, incorrect guesses, eventually exasperating Prairie Dawn.

Phoebe was just adorable during these practice sessions, the song was funny, and the whole thing seemed like it was going to be a slam dunk.

That is, until about two weeks ago, when Phoebe decided that she no longer wanted to sing the song, and no amount of coaxing was going to change her mind.

We still had a time slot reserved, so I started scrambling for a new idea. But Phoebe shot down every idea I came up with. Finally, with only a few days left until showtime, she agreed to tell some jokes.

So last weekend, I served as Phoebe’s straight man in a comedy routine which showcased gags like:

Patient: Doctor, doctor! My husband thinks he's a chicken!
Doctor: How long has this been going on?
Patient: For about five years.
Doctor: Five years? Why haven't you come to see me sooner?
Patient: Because we needed the eggs.

But the most inspired thing about the act was this: after each joke, Zach (sitting just offstage) played the vaudeville-like reaction noise on his trombone. WAAHHH-waahh!

Ben even got in on the action with a few gags of his own.

But Phoebe – well, she got such a great crowd reaction and so many compliments afterward that now, she has the comedy bug in a big way. She recites her jokes every chance she gets, and she’s already talking about what she wants to do at the next talent show. I think I can probably just forget about the cutesy little-girl stuff. We have a stand-up comedian on our hands.

Bad Daddy

A little while ago, Linda came up with a little motivational device for rewarding the kids when they do the things they're supposed to do without being asked.

A chart was hung in the kitchen with one column for each kid, and down the side, the rows were labeled with things like "make bed", "clothes in hamper", "homework", "music practice", "clear dishes", and "hang up towels after bath time".

Now, each time they take care of one of these responsibilities, a dot is placed in the chart. The idea is that when every box on the "dot chart" is filled for a certain number of days, we have some kind of treat, like making cookies, or going to Rita's for water ice.

So both Linda and I thought it was very cute when the kids started putting dots on a separate chart made especially for Daddy. It's a very rewarding feeling when one of your children appreciates something you've done, and wants to find some small way to say "thank you".

That is, until your 5-year-old gets angry at you and vandalizes your "dot chart".

The Fisherman by Zachary Houser

There once was an old fisherman. He loved the sea, the ocean breeze and the rocking of the boat. He went out fishing for hours a day. He had never actually caught anything, but watching him you would never realize it.

One day, when he was out fishing, he felt a strong tug on his line. His catch pulled hard and he almost fell overboard, but the fisherman was determined to get his first catch. He pulled harder than he knew he could. The battle lasted a long time.

Eventually, a head started surfacing. The head was three times the size of his boat. Then came up the creature’s tail. That was all it had, a head and a tail. It looked like a serpent ending in a whale tail.

The creature said “I am a lord, one of three. My kingdom is the ocean. I control all the creatures that dwell there. I can give you my gift, but you may not have accepted the gift of another of my kind.”

The fisherman was interested in this. “All right,” he said, “Give me this gift.” Without another word, the lord took him underwater. The fisherman held his breath until his lungs felt like they would burst.

Then gills grew on his cheeks. His legs turned into a tail and his arms were suddenly fins. Another fin launched out of his back. He could breathe underwater, and could swim faster than any human. The underwater creatures would stop and watch him pass.

He made a little underwater cottage out of stones to use as a house and hiding place. He saw all kinds of creatures, some discovered, some not.

Eventually, he came to a land where few had been gefore. He tried to surface, only to discover he could no longer breathe out of the water.

He circled around the city and found a pipe pulling in clean water from the ocean, and one sending dirty water through a filter to clean it, and then sending it into the ocean. The fisherman swam into the pipe pulling water in.

When he was able to surface, he found himself in a large room. The only thing inside it was a throne. Sitting on the throne was a creature. It had the body of a bull and the mane of a lion. He said “I am a lord, one of three. My kingdom is the land. I control all the creatures that dwell there. I can give you my gift, but you may not have accepted the gift of another.”

The fisherman thought. He knew he had heard something like that somewhere, but he couldn’t remember where. Eventually, his desire to walk on land again took over. He accepted the gift.

The lord took him out of the water. His tail turned to furry legs with hooves and he grew horns. His face grew fur, although his body was still scaly and slippery. He could now travel by land or sea. He had nearly limitless strength and speed.

The fisherman, while he was still human, wanted to travel everywhere. He decided he would have the best chance of doing this while he was in his current form.

After years of traveling, he realized that there was one place he could never go in his present form. So he set off again, this time with a different goal. He wanted to find the third lord.

He climbed, jumped and swam until he came to the highest spot he could find. There he saw the last lord. The lord had the face of a hawk and the body of an eagle.

He said “I am a lord, one of th-“

The fisherman held up his hand. “I know, I know,” he said. “You are a lord, one of three. Your kingdom is the sky. You control all the creatures that dwell there. You can give me your gift, but I may not have accepted the gift of another. Give me your gift.”

The lord tackled him, and he fell off the cliff. As he fell, he grew a feathered tail and a beak. Right before he hit the ground, wings sprouted. His flying was choppy at first, but he learned fast.

Soon he flew with no problem. However, as he soared, he lost more and more humanity. Soon he had lost his humanity completely. He glided into the night and wasn’t seen again.

Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History

In this Very Special Episode of the Houserspawn(tm) blog, our coverage expands to include our extended family in Maryland, where my cousin Richard reports that his daughter Natalie and her 2nd-seeded Maryland Terps basketball team went 8-2 in their league tournament last week, beating out seven other teams and winning the 8-year-old girls league championship.

Natalie won the team's "most feared player" award, made the league All-Star team, and perhaps most impressively, was the only player in the league to foul out of a game.

Big congrats to Natalie from your cousins up North!

The Despondent Goalkeeper

Hawks goalkeeper Ben announced his retirement from the 6-and-under Ridley United spring soccer league today, also stating that he would no longer participate in any other sports leagues ever, and might even refrain from any and all future physical activity. The announcement came shortly after today’s game in which Ben let in two goals, leading to a tough 2-0 loss to the Devils.

Asked whether he’d feel better if had a juice box, Ben responded before the question was even finished with an emphatic "Noooooo!"

With the loss today, the Hawks drop to 0-2 on the season, having lost a 1-0 heartbreaker to the Mustangs last week.

Next Sunday, the Hawks try to get into the win column as they play the Phantoms at the Edgewood Elementary field at 4PM. (Good seats are still available.)

After being persuaded to partake in a post-game granola bar, Ben was presented with the possibility of coming out of retirement next week to play goalie again for the Hawks.

"Maybe" was the reply.

Caution: This Post Contains Language Which May Be Unsuitable for Younger Readers

Occasionally, the topic of profanity comes up with the kids. Zach recently asked whether the word "ass" is a "bad word". My response to this is that there are no such things as "bad words", but there are words and phrases that you can say that might upset others, and make people think you are rude or lazy or unimaginative, so it's best to avoid saying such things.

Linda was prompted to expand on this conversation yesterday when Phoebe asked Linda "What's the F-word?"

Apparently, one of the neighborhood kids told Phoebe that "if you say the F-word, your teeth will turn black and fall out." After disabusing her of this notion, the profanity discussion resumed.

Now, before going any further, I feel like I should lay down some ground rules for the rest of the post. Although I don't often use the word in question, I don't have strong objections to it, either. I understand that some readers of the Houserspawn(tm) blog do have these objections, however, and so for that reason, I'm going to take my own advice, exercise some self-censorship, and not actually put those four letters next to each other here on the blog. After all, this is a fine, family-oriented operation we're running here. And who knows what kinds of hits we'd get from regrettable Google searches.

Given the subject matter, I am going to need to employ some kind of linguistic device to show when I do, in fact, mean that word.

So what are my options? I think it looks kinda silly when the word "BEEP" is used in print to indicate an objectionable word being censored. It also diminishes the impact of the censored word down to pretty much nothing. Same goes for the cartoonish method of replacing the offending word with various symbols, as in "@&$#*!" I also don't care for the method of starring out all but the first and last letter of a word (e.g. "f**K"), or the clumsy substitution of letters with look-alike characters (e.g. "a$$"). So I'm going to take a page from the Battlestar Galactica playbook here and use the work "frak" as a substitute for the dreaded "F-Word".

Back to our story: After giving Phoebe the requisite warnings about using language that people might find distasteful, Linda gave her what she was asking for. She told her what the "F-word" is, gave her an age-appropriate definition, and told her how people commonly use it.

The example Linda provided was "I hate my frakking homework", or alternately, "Frak my homework!" Phoebe tried saying these examples a few times… and seemed to enjoy doing so maybe a little more than Linda expected.

The conversation was wrapped up with one more reminder that "frak" is a word that we expect her to refrain from using in everyday conversation, making it clear that we don't want to hear it at home, and it will get her into trouble if she uses it at school or around her friends.

Phoebe suggested that instead, maybe she could use the opposite of "frak", which, she deduced, would have to be "un-frak". Linda assured her that no, "un-frak" would not be an acceptable alternative.

I'm sure this discussion will come up again, and while it's not always the most comfortable thing to talk about with young kids, I think we've set the right tone. Put another way, when it comes to teaching our kids about appropriate behavior – including what profanity is, what it means, and how it's used – well, we’re doing the best frakking job we can.

Little Mousie Adventures

Featuring Little Mousie, Linda, Benjamin, all kinds of monsters, all kinds of hunters and robbers, Phoebe, Zach, and Dad.

(As told by Benjamin Houser)

Chapter 1: The Funness for Mousie

The Little Mousie was in the pet shop. Ben was shopping with his family at the pet shop. When Ben saw Little Mousie, he said, “Mom, can we buy the mouse?”
Mom said, “Sure.”

Then a robber came to the pet shop. “Ooooooh,” said Mousie. “Gulp!” said Mousie. Then Mousie said, “That robber was better than ever!”

When he found the robber’s blaster, Mousie said, “Ooooh, a pet present. It must be an exerciser with this bar.”

He exercised and exercised. Then Ben’s family brought Little Mousie home. They made him a large cage. Then they made a bed for him. They needed to give him lots of cheese.

Once, when there was a robber, Ben’s family called the police. Before they even heard or saw Mousie gulping up the robber, when the robber was gone, they knew what had happened. When they got there, the police said, “Where’s the robber?”

Ben’s family said, “Uh. Our little mouse choked him,”

The police said, “Whaaaaaat?!”

The mouse showed the police officer all the money that the robber had stolen. The police said, “Why is your little mouse wearing a super-hero suit?”

Little Mousie said, “I got it for gulping up a monster with one gulp.”

The police officer asked, “And what are those big tubes outside?”

Mousie said, “They’re my eating bags.”

“Well, they’re pretty big. I don’t think you could eat them.”

Mousie opened his mouth as wide as space and ate one.

When the police had gone, Ben’s family went to the beach. Mousie was trying to catch an orca. A fisherman said, “Bwa Ha Ha! A mouse can’t catch an orca!”

Mousie said, “I can.”

Mousie caught an orca. The fisherman said, “Bet you can’t get to an orca before I’m done blinking”

Mousie got his teleporter ready. And as Mousie said, when the fisherman was done blinking – poof! – there he was! Mousie lifted up the orca and made orca soup. And they all ate.
 
Chapter 2: Little Mousie So Hungry!

Little Mousie said to Linda, “Can I go on vacation?” “Of course,” Linda said.

When he stepped outside, he saw a tiger. And the tiger saw him. And I think you know what

Mousie did: eat him! Then he saw a bush. He ate it! He saw a goblin. He ate it! He saw the vacation house. He at it! Then he built it how he wanted it to be. Then he ate a whole egg, even the shell. Then he ate lots and lots of cheese.

Little Mousie went to Maine. He went to the pool. Do you know what? He drank all the water. Then he ate one side of the pool. Then he exercised to make himself not as fat. Then he saw a lost air balloon. He rode on it – then he ate it.

He saw two cats. He kept them as pets. He named one Bean and one Abby. Then Mousie brought them home. But Phoebe called one Noodgie.

~The End~

The Interrogation Begins...

Today was Central Baptist Church's first day with a new pastor. Phoebe and Ben made sure to orient him to the perils of a CBC Children's Conversation.

When he asked what questions the kids had about him, Phoebe began with "Are you funny?" She later asked if he "has a best friend?"

Ben's question: "Do you believe in American Idol?"

Have You Played Atari Today?

For his 9th birthday, Zach is having a sleepover with four of his friends from the neighborhood. We did the usual birthday party stuff earlier in the evening: we had the organized games, the singing of Happy Birthday, the cake and ice cream, and the opening of the gifts. We figured that as the night went on, they would probably end up spending a good amount of time on multiplayer videogames for the Wii.

But so far tonight, the big winner has been the old Atari 2600, which we dusted off and set up the other night. It has kept them entertained for over three hours so far.

Apparently, Guitar Hero and Super Smash Brothers are no substitute for 25-year-old classics like Ms. Pac-Man, Combat, Megamania, and Outlaw.

Eagles Spirit

Today was Eagles Spirit day at Zach and Phoebe's elementary school, and we realized yesterday that Zach has outgrown his Eagles gear.

This meant that Phoebe was going to be in fine shape for Eagles Spirit day, as she was able to sport Zach's old Westbrook jersey. It also meant that we were compelled to go on a shopping trip for a new Eagles jersey for Zach last night.

Before we went, I had two suggestions for Zach.

First suggestion: Jerseys aren't cheap. And while the Eagles' veteran superstar players like McNabb, Westbrook, and Dawkins are terrific, they might only be around for another year, maybe two at best. Go with one of the young players, like DeSean Jackson (the promising rookie WR), Stewart Bradley (Peter King's pick for All-Pro at middle linebacker this season), or Trent Cole (who is probably the team's best defensive lineman).

Second suggestion: Go with the classic green or white jersey. Not that bizarre canary yellow and powder blue throwback jersey they wore for one game last year (in recognition of the Eagles 75th anniversary). And not that green-on-black "alternate" eyesore they've been dressing in once a season, ostensibly for the purpose of increasing jersey sales among the aesthetically challenged.

Ultimately, though, it was going to be Zach's jersey to wear, so I gave him complete autonomy over the decision.

He wore his new alternate green-on-black McNabb jersey to school today.

An independent thinker, this one is.

But If You Try Sometimes You Just Might Find...

Ben's preschool teacher reports that she sat down next to Ben at school and told him that she wants to see him do a good job writing his letters today.

Ben's reply: "Well, you can't always get what you want."

(To be fair, this is something Ben hears from me with some frequency.)

Football fever

We're all very excited about the NFL postseason, with the Eagles having found a highly improbable path into the playoffs.

So in an effort to introduce the kids to the joys of illicit gambling, I had everyone in the family fill out an NFL playoff bracket today. I'll keep score throughout the playoffs in order to determine which of us is the Master NFL Playoff Prognosticator of the family.

(Picks are in the comments. Feel free to add your own picks if you'd like to go head-to-head against Team Houserspawn.)